This Drifting Excrement Was Far Too Symbolic! These Are the TV Disappointments of the Year.
Looking back, we consider the television offerings of the recent year, a handful of series stand out not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular failures. Ranging from awkward spin-offs to confusingly bad documentaries, here are the programmes that had us scratching our heads or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this divisive follow-up? Plagued with dreadful scripts, painful arcs (we demand better for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the show struggled to find its footing. Briefly, as the final season started, it looked like it had at last found its groove. Then came an episode all about Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the creator announced this would be the final series. It concluded on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet flooded with poo was just way too on-the-nose. Yet, fans undeniably had a hoot picking apart every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – danced around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t let out a little sob?
All’s Fair
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? Of course she can’t.’
But that was almost the least of this drama's issues. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to begin enumerating the flaws. The laughably wooden dialogue? The mind-numbing glorification of wealth and consumption? The seemingly wilful procession of cliches? Acting so bad they felt borderline malicious? Suffice it to say “each and every one” and never speak of this show again. However, a new season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Given the legal troubles, domestic violence claims and fatherly shortcomings, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not you’d truly have known it from this three-part docuseries which chuckled along at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive excess while struggling to tell us a single thing we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this volatile personality was being indulged, so any pity this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charming but dismissive egotist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Of course we understood it was ridiculous from the get-go: a thriller about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or annihilate all of humanity. We stuck with it out of sheer love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One barely reacted when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. That's what you call giving up the ghost.
MobLand
Shady characters convening in deserted boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a bit old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to indulge baffling dialects. But there were many other problems. Mainly that it was just really dull; a conflict over drug-selling territory between various London picaresques which felt a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Considering the degree to which she provokes the ire of certain performatively angry commentators, it’s almost tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s various ventures into twee lifestyle as intentional statements. But then you watch them and are compelled to concede that actually, they might have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle catalogue animated; a poster for wine o’clock with delusions of grandeur; a procession of sleeping dogs, buzzing beehives, sentimental platitudes and forgettable crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by immense, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.
Victoria Beckham
There are obviously interesting things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her journey with career, identity, self-worth. But for some reason, this three-part series opted not to explore them. Instead, the viewing was akin to reading a marketing catalogue. She clearly has good reason to bridle at what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But sadly, she failed to do herself any favours with this guarded non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It had the potential to be the next cultural phenomenon – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star playing dead and a well-known personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you want? As contestants competed, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s still too complicated to detail what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via filmed videos. The series ended up reeking of a production that was trying way too hard to live up to something way beyond it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How do you succeed a show that defined a generation? The expectation was enormous for this glitzy romantic comedy about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, reveling in Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the sheer amount of celebrity cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
The Sketch Show Return
Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the smart inclusion of talented emerging comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it fell flat. A recurring sketch was a single joke stretched to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The writing room sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have remained in there a while longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely showcased the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an interesting drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The material needed to be treated sensitively. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lumbering from strangely jaunty, slightly mannered farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Twisted? Perhaps. A total mess? Very much so.
Prime Target
We love the lead actor … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so intelligent he’s on the brink of a breakthrough that could ruin society? No! This globe-trotting thriller about secret services spying on – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more absurd by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This uncritical portrait followed the online personality notorious for sexual exploits as she undertook her most extreme challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we wanted was far greater examination of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who appeared to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was disturbing shots and zero critical analysis of her notoriety whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the filmmaker has a teenage daughter too.